Category Archives: random musings

“Obsession makes for good writing.”

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When I was 12 I wrote that phrase in one of my numerous notebooks rather offhandedly. The notebook was college lined cause I just thought I was so legit. Now I work in XLG unlined Moleskines.  It was only when my best friend noted it in my scribbled scrawl that I sorta realized its significance. Little did I know how it would quickly become my mantra. I won’t begin to offer a commentary on the healthy and less healthy angles of the statement but I will say this, for me, its true.

I’ve been working without ceasing on the feature version of THOSE LIGHTER FLUID DAYS since mid February. When I’m not actually writing it, I’m thinking about it and kinda forcing other people thinkbanner head about it too. Spent so many nights without sleep, days without going outside, long cold walks in the rain barefoot. Sobbed in corners of neon lit hallways, and deserted clearings, forgotten to eat, ignored my laundry, went to work and only realized halfway through the day that I don’t actually remember driving there. Lived for people-watching and eavesdropping behind mirrored Lennon glasses, _NdMl012ME71PNWjAuxOa3SHgAS4nMxUJIYbpoEVJkA,Sux-5Y5hJulWOIBngl-oNHJvbAXN18EthQJvTpuUfXU,ezItG2h4950mOSYyeYoKzRdelVmM4nrU0PSu48XCg_0my creeper status in downtown Greenville/Simpsonville and Fountain Inn is pretty much carved in old coffee mugs and empty sidewalks.  I mentally inhabit two worlds at once, shed an equal amount of tears for the characters on the page as those here in reality. They have quickly become dear old friends, with all their flaws and idiosyncrasies. I could get into the whole idea “what is reality anyhow?” but safe to say, that’s a whole different blog post.

I’ve been ridiculously blessed with the privilege to collaborate with those who have come to love these characters and the world created as much as I have.  I’m very more privileged to have their full support, their hearts and minds invested in bringing those people to life. Its both terrifying, incredibly humbling, and exhilarating.

I honestly have no idea if everything I’ve put myself through and those around me has made the story better or if I’m simply being self-indulgent, playing into some unspoken and spoken lifestyle that people just expect of writers. Truth be told, most of the time I don’t even think about it. Probably because I’m thinking about that thing I’m supposed to be writing.

365 days later…

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Torey Byrne and I hit off our friendship exactly one year ago. Its been a whirlwind experience to be sure, 3 film 311999_4302555803371_1313231514_ncollaborations under our belt (so many more in the works) numerous trips from SC to OK and visa versa and much laughter, tears, and memories shared.

Thank you Twitter and Indie Film for creating the perfect storm to bring an absolutely amazing individual into my life. It’s probably a good thing we didn’t grow up together (even though it totally feels like we did) for all the glorious havoc we would have wreaked.

So here’s to you kid and another year, more fabulous collabs, more 7 hr G+ Hangouts, #OutofContextTweets, Existential rambling, globe trotting, and Firehouse subs.

HUZZAH!

Flash Fiction go BOOM.

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I’ve fallen into creating these micro bursts of Spoken Word Somethings, between rough drafts of scripts they slowly fill up the thin margins in my Moleskine. They served the purpose of conveying emotions that normal sentence structure or even typical thought processes couldn’t do justice. And they’re fun so, there’s always that.

 

 ROUND ONE

PASS THE SYRUP – She pops the shot back. Espresso. Not whiskey. Eyed with a tired smile from across the table by someone who seems to have known her longer then truth be told. Over-analytical, over-wrought, over the point where sleep should have occurred. Over it all, like water under a bridge. I guess this is what growing up feels like.

ICE PICK – It was overkill. She should have poured hot water over her bleeding heart instead of grabbing the blowtorch. The hammer lay on the cold hard concrete only to be used by strangers behind screens whose words burned more then she would even let on. Icy hot, its all sad pop culture references on a bitter winter day.

A WINTER’S TALE – In the end everything returns to blood and dirt, to rust. The annual songs of crippled branches and limbs that bend to the will of the wind and the hearts of those who seek solace in words written on both stone faces and mortal bones. They are other, among the lost wisps of memory that sink deep into the hallowed ground of that dreamlike existence covered in a mere blanket of white.

The Emperor’s New Clothes Syndrome

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CONFESSION: I’m an incredibly insecure person. Probably to a unhealthy extant. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do and wouldn’t give up screenwriting and filmmaking for pretty much anything but I constantly deal with the fight for understanding and being content with where true affirmation comes from as a Creative. I’d like to believe I don’t take criticism of my work personally but that would be a baldfaced lie on one side of the spectrum. How cannot I not take it personally? My work is an innate part of who I am, and the creative process that forms those elements stems from life experiences and distinct thought patterns clearly labeled “MJ SLIDE”. Obviously one cannot depend solely on external criticism as a means to define their success but one cannot ignore it as well. Where is the balance?

You run into it all the time. Crappy films/art are funded and created and somehow the critics pen glowing reviews. Apply a certain level gloss or throw enough money at it and generally you can fool a whole slew of people. Its all shiny and pretty and alludes to something but what? The Critics: (for which everyone is) They’re the courtiers who swoon over The Emperor’s New Clothes but sometimes you find yourself being that little kid in the crowd thinking “Um he’s not wearing anything.” but you’re not actually brave enough to speak up. In essence, the movie/art is sh*t, lacks soul, doesn’t say anything or stand for anything. But critics eat it up. There’s the dilemma. Is a piece of art or the artist defined by the critics that surround them? In some senses, they are, the perception of an object or person is a huge factor into what the final idea of the film/art really is but should it be? We all bring our baggage to the table when weighing the merits of Art in general, that should be expected but as Creatives how do we find the balance between being content with something we’ve worked long and hard at creating while not letting the critics steal the soul but still taking their thoughts into consideration as well? Is Art worth anything without an Audience? I’m not really talking about the Creative Process, the act of Creating is something I see as entirely separate, I create because I have to, like breathing, its necessary for life and sanity. But the end result? Its all just opinion, is it not? Perhaps I’m looking for something more concrete but wouldn’t that defeat much of the purpose of Art anyhow? If all Art fit into neat boxes of good and bad everything would be rather dull.

You may be wondering where all this lovely rambling as stemmed from? My own insecurities for one thing but also long conversations with other artists who struggle in the same manner. I was talking with the Director of a film I just DP-ed and we were discussing another movie we’re both keenly aware is making its way through the fest circuit and garnering rave reviews. We both watch a lot of movies and have run into this more then once. The main issue is we’ve both seen the film and pretty much hated it. It in essence was a beautiful flawlessly-executed-on-the-technical-side souless piece of cinema. A classic case of “lots of things happened but nothing was really said”. Hopefully you understand what I mean. We found ourselves weighing the film up against our own, which, by the way, is never a good idea because its not fair to either side and the intent of those involved on either project. All that said, we kept running into the fact we see these films and they’re just so cookie cutter and heartless, yet people eat it up, trumpet it from rooftops. There isn’t a doubt in our minds that our film will once released will get torn apart for its less then perfect technical execution. Sooooo, whose film is better? Does it matter? Really, in the end does it matter? Must a film or Art in general say something, speak to someone to validate its existence in the first place?

I don’t have the ultimate answers, I’m merely throwing these questions out there. I won’t stop creating, or struggling to understand Art and its place and influence on Modern society but I suspect if more people were honest with themselves we’d realize we’re caught up in The Emperor’s New Clothes Syndrome more often then we originally thought. If anything I want someone to challenge my thought process, to get me to think beyond my own ideas and perceptions, I have no desire to walk just the straight and narrow or throw everything into comfortable little boxes. Go ahead, blow my mind. To me, that’s what Art is about, not the critics. Ramble fests, insecurities and all.

12 Things that Happened in 2012 (Awesome & Otherwise)

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Final day of the year. Looking back, its been an awesome one, best year of my life, it was rough, it was crazy, it was stressful and I’m so happy everything went down the way it did.

So here goes nothing.

1. Met some of the most AMAZING people in the world that I’m now working on a whole load of films with. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Matt Brammer, Torey Byrne, Bryan Capri, and Wil Crown.

2. Discovered a side to my writing I never thought existed, the comedic side. And continued to deepen my willingness to be vulnerable and honest in my writing and that desire just keeps growing stronger.

3. I learned that my passion for creating doesn’t stop on the page.  New passions/obsessions include: Graphic design, DIY sewing projects, letterpress and screenprinting + I happen to be falling back in love with the camera(both video and stills)

4. I may actually be more of a Director then I thought. The idea has been planted. Lets see where 2013 takes that revelation ;)

5. Thankful for the continued support of non-filmmaking friends/fam in my life. Your understanding and willingness to take me as I am has been such an encouragement! Thank you!

  6. I have discovered the very best way to drink coffee ever. Siphon brew and straight black.

7. I’m addicted to typography anything, and designing my own t-shirts.

8. I’ve never worked harder in my life pursuing the things that I love with everything that I have. And it paid off.

9. Choosing to live by this truth. People > Projects. Its way more important/valuable to invest in people then put tasks or projects at the forefront.

10. Burnt bridges can be mended but they require humility. Lots of it.

11. In the last 6 months of 2012 I wrote more successful content then I ever have before and I’m actually proud of most of it. Completed 4 shorts and two feature length screenplays, not to mention drafted at least 3 other features and outlined 2 more shorts.

12. I work with some of the most talented, caring, awesome, hilarious, and batsh*t crazy people on the planet. I love you guys all like it ain’t nobodies business. Follow cohorts in #IndieFilmWorldDomination, you rock mah socks.

There we have it. 2012, you’ve been good to me. 2013, we got some scheming to tackle. Full speed ahead.

“We’re Making A Movie Yo”

World Building and Other Everyday Occupations

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I’m a writer, among other things, I produce, direct, even “act” but when it comes down to it, I’m a writer. I’ve been giving that declaration a lot of thought these past few days. What does that even mean anyhow, to be a writer? You sit down and pen stuff, doesn’t matter the medium, Field Notes or keyboard, forming thoughts, worlds, emotions on the page. I’ve been writing daily for over a decade now. 

I joke I probably bleed ink at this point, but what does it all really mean? I honestly believe its created a systematic rewiring of the way my brain filters through experiences and emotions. I find myself cataloging everything, conversations, facial expressions, the peculiar way someone may say something without actually speaking anything. I eavesdrop and try to take everything in, it probably leads to a lot of over-analyzing  on my part and annoyance on the part of friends and family but I suppose that simply comes with the territory.

I won’t deny there’s  this constant nagging sensation deep in my gut that all this cataloging is creating a sense of detachment within my person that is inhibiting me from legitimately connecting with others. But then I catch myself, if anything writing has made me more keenly aware of how ones’ actions can and will have a profound affect on those around oneself. Shakespeare declared that “All the World’s a Stage and all Men and Women merely players.” Everyone, in one way, shape, or form plays into the grand scheme of things. As someone whose job is, in essence,  to create worlds for people to enter, places and individuals that feel tangible enough that one does not find oneself questioning the (for lack of a better word) “realness” of the environment and the emotions that drive the protagonist and antagonist to do what they do, I can’t help but feel a incredible sense of responsibility. That’s a scary amount of authority. I have absolutely no desire to make my occupation sound more important then it actually is, I don’t hold a candle as far as courage/power to say a Firefighter or member of the Armed Forces. With that said, one cannot deny the power  that is given when we put words to use.

Know Thyself?

I wield a vastly different kind of weapon then the military,  dangerous in its own right. Ideas, thoughts, and concepts. Tools of my trade. I’m entirely fascinated with how the Human Mind stores and processes information, how/why things gain a certain level of importance to me while they don’t mean anything at all to someone else. And vise-versa. In this day and age where everything is summarized by the amount of data it requires to function where does Humanity, our needs/desires, and the Soul factor into all that? Does what we know solely define who we are?

ETGC's Director & Female Lead: Torey Byrne

These are questions that don’t really have straight answers, hence the reason I wrote EXTRACT: The Ghost Complex. Questions I have found myself pondering over with a Torey Byrne, a 19 year old insanely talented actress (And Director) who I suspect had no earthly idea what she was signing up for when I simply asked, “You want drama or high-concept sci-fi?”

We’ve gone and built the most legitimate world we can with the resources that we have on hand. Extract’s ‘Verse, if you will (Firefly fans will get it.) Employed the power of the Imagination and lots of crazy talented people.  Created brands, companies, social structure, drugs, lingo, culture, subculture, and counterculture. Formed from the unsettling context of familiarity.

ExtractTGC is in the can and the footage is in the hands of our brilliant Editor Bryan Capri, we should have a rough cut within the week.  While the producing side of my brain is occupied by smoothing out our Post Production workflow and prepping for Fest submissions my Writer’s brain and heart win out most of the time. They’ve latched onto the project in a way that only Science Fiction can for me. Allowing me to ask the big “WHAT IFs?” Filtering all these aching questions through the lens of a camera and witnessing  Torey put flesh and blood to my words.

I don’t really know how or why I started writing. I know why I do now, its a integral part of who I am. Part of me has letmy words define who I am. Who knows if that’s healthy or not. But, lets just say, it always makes for an interesting story.

Everything is Not Ok…So its Ok.

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This past weekend was bad. I mean, not pretty at all, like curled up in a ball buried under my covers for half the day, semi-conscious and fighting for every moment of willing myself to go on” sorta bad. As an Artist sometime you can talk yourself into thinking things are way worse then they actually are. I was losing that mental battle yesterday. The stress of my job, crowdfunding, and vainly attempting to perfect a script I’d been working for almost 2 years had taken its toll. I had locked everyone out but the voices in my head wouldn’t shut up. I felt like I was legitimately going crazy. I hadn’t really slept in over 72 hours and was starting to lose it hardcore.

I broke. There may have been pills involved, way more then is healthy and if it weren’t for the care of my Mother I probably would have done something very stupid and very selfish.

So here I am Tuesday evening, camped out on my bed with my laptop, working on business sponsorship proposals, hoping to sort some stuff out with my Director, talking to a real estate agent about location scouting, and trying not to lose my mind. Safe to say, its an uphill battle.  This going to sound cliche but I’m gonna go for it anyhow, every time I open the Indiegogo campaign page for TLFD and rewatch teaser,  letting the lighting and angles Matt set up create the desired atmosphere  and Torey knock the socks off that monologue, I get this grin on my face I can’t wipe away because I know any sorta sh*t that I have to go through to pull this film off will be totally worth it to see truthful words come alive.  Honesty resonates deep. Its weird when your words become something other then just words, you know, they take on a life of their own.

I’m blessed to have the opportunity to make quality films, blessed to have people willing to come on the journey with me, and ultimately whatever battle scars are secured through the toil,  it’ll be ok.

When I’ve been broken.

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I broke myself today.


4 massive rewrites for my latest short film THOSE LIGHTER FLUID DAYS in less then a 2 weeks, all on vastly different emotional planes. My heart and mind are drained. Its like writers back lash. I gave everything away to my characters and forgot to leave anything for myself. Sitting here, I feel limp, expended, like I’ve got nothing else to offer. I’ve already had a good cry and downed way too many cups of coffee. Maybe its because its pouring rain outside or what not, I don’t know. I tweeted about 20 minutes ago “When stuff gets tough, I write. Its that simple.” And honestly it is. That’s what I’m doing right now.

The process of writing THOSE LIGHTER FLUID DAYS has been like nothing else I’ve experienced of late. I’m not directing the film, but clearly I am writing the damn thing. And writing, and rewriting, and then rewriting some more. I don’t want this to come off sounding like I’m simply bitching cause honestly I’ve LOVED every minute of it, even the sucky parts. As worthless as I feel, its also been an incredibly empowering past couple of days. All the various takes on the characters and their lives and actions (and let me tell you they have been HUGELY different) has displayed to myself and others that I can buckle down and tell a story from so many sides. Its pretty mind-blowing. I can’t begin to fully thank the people who have come along side me during the process (its not even close to being over and done with just yet.) For their willingness to give feedback and try to get me to rest my mind (HA! That’s a funny one Matt, try again.)

Its been nuts. Its been so tiring. Its been, well, clichely enough (yeah now I’m making up words) wordless, there aren’t words anymore. I’ve run out of words and it’ll be a few days before I get them back. Sitting here listening to The Flaming Lips sing about giant pink robots and having my mom call me from below to finish cleaning up the dishes, I’m oddly ok with being broken. I gave it my all. I’ll continue to do so.

There’s something poetic about the whole thing. And when the words come back, I’ll write about it. Until then *SHRUG* I’m still here.

Of dreams and DREAMS.

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For the last couple days I’ve had dreams on the brain. Watched a short vlog from a friend of mine and (Derps & Chortles Harlan Dicusses his Dreams and Dreams in general) and now my mind won’t stop thinking about those odd cobbled together situations you find yourself in when you’re passed out.

Several websites, books and science journals later + watching a Nova episode concerning the science and physiological make-up of dreams I went ahead and started a dream journal.

I don’t think there’s any denying that dreams are rather fascinating, while unlike Freud I don’t believe every single thing in your dreams are or have to be sexually driven I do believe they mean something.

It would be hard to argue that dreams don’t play a large part in society and the way the human mind processes the events of the day. My dream journal is proof of that. I’m currently stressing about my job and several employee transitions that are going on so yeah, guess what showed up in my dreams?

Not to mention a Halloween party with some long lost “friends” where I was operating two DSLR cameras both of which were broken with faulty sound equipment and a Director who didn’t know his lenses. I wonder what I do for a career? #ProducerMuch

Now what do I mean by “Of dreams and DREAMS”? There are the two types of dreams in my estimation, and no I’m not talking about REM and non-REM dreaming. I’m talking about dreams; the type you have when you’re unconscious and then DREAMS; aspirations you have for your life, places you wanna go, people you wanna see, things you want to accomplish. There are few things more depressing then talking to someone and discovering they really don’t have any DREAMS for their life. They’re ok with merely EXISTING. *gets on soap box* I’m gonna state it right now, my Generation cannot afford to just exist. Where society is today there is absolutely no room for apathy. Apathy will only allow those who do have really bad DREAMS to royally screw us all over. The World is a messed up place with a lot of problems, and its up to us to start caring, get some DREAMS and get a move on with this whole “Making a Difference in the World around us” thing. I put out this declaration specifically to people my age (late teens, early 20s), I truly believe there’s a general feeling of unrest brewing in the hearts and minds of young Americans. I honestly don’t think most of those without DREAMS are actually happy with the state they’re in. Secretly they want to be a part of something beyond themselves. Hence why KONY 2012 and OCCUPY WALLSTREET took off the way they did.

As an Indie Filmmaker, my platform to change the world is my work, the visual medium in which I tell stories, stories that provoke thought, start conversation, get people thinking. It took me a while to figure this out, esp how to go about it in a manner that wouldn’t hurt or ostracize people I care about. Tough questions are hard to ask but they are necessary.

I’ll be asking a lot of tough questions in my next short film THOSE LIGHTER FLUID DAYS, a 30 minute drama concerning a young woman fighting to find artistic inspiration and overcome the limitations of her broken family life in the heart of the Dirty South. Its gonna be a doozy. Addressing issues like Domestic Violence and Alcoholism, we’re hitting them hard and staying true. I’ve got a great team on board, people who both dream and DREAM big. Recently I realized I’ve been living by a motto of sorts, one that is certainlly supports the “DREAM big” idea.

Plain and simple. I want my films to embody this. No half-baked storylines, no settling for second best, cast, crew, locations. Work my hardest to tell the stories that need to be told, the ones my soul aches to release. Its this sort of passion and determination that I feel should drive projects. I’m not saying they’ll be perfect (because even perfect can be dull and unprovoking)but they will be honest. So be bold, be wise, be passionate, be wrong, be a DREAMER by every possible definition. Mentally wear the shirt I’m having made up.

“Oh don’t mind me. I’m just changing the World and stuff.” I dare you.

There. I said it.

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“Due to creative differences I am no longer Executive Producer of FRUITION HARD LINE.”

For most of you you’re probably pretty shocked, considering all the time and energy I’ve devoted in the past 6 months to the project. Couple things I want to clarify before I go on. The film as is is still a go, the storyline is killer and really has a lot going for it. I suspect the creative team will go for a re-brand including a new title which for where the production is at this point would be a great move and I support anything the Director Timi Brennan goes forward with for his production. I do this now from the sidelines as merely a bystander. Its a HUGE transition, for both myself and everyone else tied to the project. I spent much of this morning stripping my name from all our social media outlets,off my blog and references in my bio posted God knows all over the place. I managed to watch the trailer and my breath caught in my chest after the words “Produced by Mahogany Slide” came up on screen. Its weird. I don’t even really know how to begin to explain why I felt it was necessary for me to leave the film. I have my reasons, most of which I don’t really feel like making public because I respect the people I worked with and there’s no call for me to go into mass amounts of detail. Things are still being sorted out. Like the title line says creative differences had a lot to do with it. Its safe to say I found myself more attached to the project because I personally care about all the people involved instead of the actual content of the film. The thing is, its a rock and a hard place situation because the film itself is quality, I would never be associated with anything that I felt was anything less, but it was sorta like waking up one day and realizing your head was totally in the game and then finding out your heart wasn’t even close to being there.

Again, an incredibly tough situation because I could have just sucked it up and done what was best for the production, but I honestly believe departing was and is the best move. I think both myself and Timi will continue grow as filmmakers. We both have a lot going for us. If that means we work on separate projects for a while and reunite further down the road, I welcome it. I’m confident whatever FRUITION HARD LINE ends up being called its gonna rock some serious socks.

And I’ve got other things brewing so in no way am I left high and dry. You’ll be hearing loads about several projects including a rom-com short I wrote and will be producing (working title MEMORY LANE GOES WALKING) and I’ll be directing a 1980s short entitled BURNOUT. And (yes there’s more!) I’m wholeheartedly pursuing the concept of getting my feature screenplay JERSEY NOISE produced in a proper manner. Like “Not indie budget” proper manner. Call me crazy, it won’t be the first time and I highly doubt the last. Film related antics aren’t the only thing I’m involved in right now. Teamed up with an amazing woman named Kara Russo to start banging out a underground zine “Copy Break” is coming Greenville peeps and its gonna be FABULOUS.

So yeah, sh*t happens, “Making It” comes and goes, and lots of stuff and things have to be addressed but when it comes down to it, I’m still a filmmaker. I’m still that upstart punk arse kid that confuses people, intrigues others, and hopefully inspires people on some level to continue to pursue their dreams even when the going gets rough and you don’t feel like you have all the answers. I know I don’t. But being cool with that is pretty much just like learning to be cool with yourself. Its not easy but the way I look at it, I’ve already learned a great deal and will continue to do so. You can’t pay for this sorta life experience, you just have to grin, bare it, and make sure you make whatever frustration, misunderstanding, and possible hurt that stemmed from a situation worth it. Cause the thing is, the sun still coming up tomorrow and movies are still getting made. And for that I am grateful.